Am Naught

by City of the Asleep

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about

Fuzzy heavily-processed guitars, 808 drum beats, distorted screams, auto-tuned vocals, depressing subject matter. Written in the depths of an early 2016 depressive episode (who knew this year would just keep getting worse?), intended to be released along with the four previous EPs, but took me all year to arrive at mixes I was satisfied with. Ear fatigue is a helluva drug! Simultaneously the bleakest and catchiest music I've probably written.

credits

released December 14, 2016

Artwork generated in Wordseye (wordseye.com) and messed with in Gimp. Shout-out to free software!

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City of the Asleep Seattle, Washington

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Track Name: I'll Be Overgrown
My love is a dead-end street,
on the edge of town, overgrown with weeds.
Nobody lives here,
but many pass it by.
The roar of traffic in the distance
is the only sound to hear
Besides a creaking hinge,
or the lonely sigh of wind

I’m gonna die here
Won’t someone come and fix me?
There’s nothing left
That I can do myself
I’m gonna die here
Whose hands will bury me?
I’ll be overgrown
By the weeds

after all I’ve tried,
not even memories remain
after all this time
there isn’t reason left to hope
that this will change
all of the beauty in the hearts
of all the world
will always be beyond my reach


The choice was always mine to make
I bear the weight of my mistakes
I know this struggle cannot last
I cannot rise above my past
After all is said and done
my sadness will outshine the sun
let the light of tragedy
burn my echo into history
Track Name: Illusions That Pretend to be Companions
In the red light
of a dying sun
The truth is laying in ruin

The past breaks
as the last hope fades
Of wrapping our heart in her

We were mistaken to
believe in what could never
follow through

In loneliness, I was split in two
One red and the other blue
illusions that pretend to be companions

Her smile told such a pretty lie
in her we could unify
But all we got was greater separation

We’re standing on
The threshold of
A great abyss
Of meaningless

Distractions and denials
we gave it all we had, yet
lost it to betrayal
of our purest intent

Now lost upon an ocean
we’ll drift until we drown
a consequence we face
we are (I am) alone

We were mistaken to
believe in what could never
follow through

We’re standing on
The threshold of
A great abyss
Of meaningless...
Track Name: Reflections & Justifications
There is a weight on my heart
the ruins of my sanity are crushing my ability
to hope. I gaze into the distance all around,
from here into infinity, emptiness is all I see, and
I can still recall the times before
when I thought that love could fill the vacancies that haunt me still, but
I was so naive to wish for that, some
wounds were never meant to heal, suffering is all that makes me
real.

I’m trying to accept, the weight of my regrets,
the burden that I bear, salvation in despair
I’m crawling from the past, on a road of broken glass
with shadows all around me, threatening to drown me

I come to rest beneath a tree,
blackened by an ancient flame disfiguring a pair of names, that
innocence carved into its bones, and one could be my own,
an echo from a time that long ago I left behind
And now I have to turn my back upon once it again,
It hurts to much to think what might have been

This is how it has to be
Onward into nothingness, these memories are meaningless
I'll set fire to every bridge
To light this darkness without end, and with the ash of all I've been
I'll bury my regrets, and everyone I've left--
the seeds of what could be--all sterile or diseased;
a curse I can't escape: a love that always fades...
repeat the same mistake every time I walk away
Track Name: These Wounds Are Weapons
I am the frozen sea, I am the sunken wreckage
All I have ever been will drown in these doldrums
The currents of some fantasy promise salvation,
But it is just a ruse to lead me to destruction

I’m lost again, in a fugue of self-destruction
Dissolve my suffering in the substance of abuse
Lift me up, only to drag me deeper
Into the depths of this uncharted sea
I’m lost again, in a plague with no survivors
Drink depressants to dilute this dull depression
Take me down, beyond the deepest fathoms
In this darkness I am home

Imprisoned, forgotten
Lost to the depths of sickness
Nobody is coming
To fix what I have broken
But I deserve to be here
For all the suffering I’ve caused
My darkness is contagious
I am a void and vaccuum
These wounds are weapons
My blood is worse than poison
I’ll take from you
What you would never give
That’s why I live in exile
That’s why you can’t get close enough
My darkness is contagious
So I impose this quarantine
Track Name: Flooding the Prison
With these broken hands, I reach for
A key for this lock, on my cell
But nothing is there, and I have
No hope for escape from this prison

I used to think I was good
Now I don’t know who I am
This prison is confusion
I’ll escape with self-medication

Now I’m flooding the room
So that I can swim
Through the holes in the roof
Into the heart of the light
But this water is cold
and it’s stealing all my strength
Now it’s filling my lungs
and the darkness steals my sight

Ripped from the past
Cut off from the
Source of my hope
And left to die

I am a convert to the religion of alcoholism
Nothing means anything in this place
Numbness is a competitive goal
And I’m going for the gold

With these broken hands, I reach for
The knife that could cut, me out of
The cage of my breath, and spill my
blood onto the floor, of this lie

Now I’m flooding the room
So that I can swim
Through the holes in the roof
Into the heart of the light
But this water is cold
and it’s stealing all my strength
Now it’s filling my lungs
and the darkness steals my sight

Ripped from the past, and
forced to deny the
truth I protect and
kill what I wish I was
Track Name: Revelation
On the eve of my destruction
All the secrets were revealed
Nihilism is the essence
Only nothingness is real

All our sacred dreams and all our greatest feats are only gateways to despair.
Nothing ever works the way we’re told it should, our disappointment joins us all.

I woke the same
as any other day
Filled my lungs with
patterns and routines

Oblivious at first to the
emptiness within
To the crisis that was shortly
to arrive

For many months
the lights were going out
Slow enough for me
to miss the signs

A sickness settled
deep within my chest
and starting eating
outward from inside

I told myself
I’m giving all I have
for the sake of something
that endures

But everything I’d given
up was not enough to
bring me satisfaction
or relief

And on that fateful
Day, I tried to give, but
found that I had nothing left
inside

All that I had given
up was not enough, only
loneliness and death
were my reward

Nothing in my life had prepared me for that feeling,
reaching for something that’s always been there, but suddenly it no longer is...
a feeling of complete psychological free fall,
all that was solid turned to vapor beneath my feet.
This is it, this is as far as I go,
I can’t hold on any longer.
I’ve achieved everything I ever wanted, but it’s nothing like I had hoped,
and I have no capacity to keep pushing onward.

I see it now
I’m nothing
All my work
All my strength
is nothing
it is nothing
Track Name: A Light Will Break Upon the Broken
A light
will break
upon
the broken
And one
will rise
from words
unspoken

In darkest days
The self-contained
will find a way to
find a meaning in their
solitary
clandestine dreams
of what could be the
sacred saving grace

Despair
survives
Despite
A triumph
The gift
of loss
will always
find you
A spark
will dance
upon
forsaken
beliefs
and render, these
sorrows into
a brilliant ascension

In darkest days
The self-contained
will find a way to
find a meaning in their
solitary
clandestine dreams
of what could be the
sacred saving grace

There’s no escape
From what I am
I’ll run forever
but here I’ll stay
I am defined
by a string of failures
that are my greatest achievements